Spoken Word: ‘Celebrity Heist!’

79 celebrities, one song and a whole lot of double syntax. Presenting the ‘Celebrity Heist’. Shoutout to GZA of the Wu-Tang Clan for inspiring this song with his masterpiece: ‘Fame’.

Note: Music also produced by me, using my turntables, some old records, and a sequencer. See if you can keep up with the words below. If not, pictures in the video.


-Unseen Flirtations aka the Smilin’ Samurai (according to the Wu-Tang name generator)


Celebrity Heist
Nick Parked the car which was running a full tank
As it idled outside of the entrance to Gordon’s Bank.
Karl Marx the spot, Stevie Wonders if he can see it
From across the street with a whole sack of Pat’s Cash.
Pat Sharpened his knife and Jo Brandished a blade,
Davina McCalled out and Russell Crowed back her name,
Heather Milled some pepper on a steak that Peter Cooked
Sitting casual in a diner while Tom Cruised around for a look.

Everything went quiet, then Michael Mcin’sTyres
Came screeching round the corner, Bruce Leens to the right and
Mariah Careyed the money that was security stained for certain,
They were swerving lane to lane when Pat shouted: Andy, Burn-em!
Minnie Driveder car but Andy went to steer
In a desperate attempt to prevent The Police from coming too near.
Michael Fished for clues he had found like Roni’s Size
10 footprints, that he could do nothing to disguise.
Roni put on Geoff’s Cape, and attached Simon’s Cowell.
Tony Blaired the window with a ragged oily towel,
Alice Walktowards the fusebox with the intention
Of turning off the lights before heading to Peter’s Seller

(Tom) Waits!

Tina Turnd-eround an owl and went to listen
At the window, James Cordoned off the street began to glisten,
Peter Reids the signs that Otis Reddin’ time to make a decision:
“We need to dump Tim’s Cash, into Joan’s River…”

Margaret Thatcheder roof so nobody actually shivered,
Police sirens were wailing away in the near distance,
Rupert Bearly suggested: “We should draw Jack’s Straws!”
Before Rupert Grint when he produced the longest straw of all.
They had to make a choice; Police were seen to be coming—
Rob Lowe-ered his voice and Andi’s Petered to nothing.
Everything went quiet and nobody flinched a muscle
As Helen Hunted close to the sound of Bertrand’s Russell
And something,
Made Marky Mark the house as maybe
Somewhere dangerous, as Roald Dahled the number he felt the same,
Bear Grylled the witnesses: Keira, Nightly, Tess, Daily
Fearne Cottoned on to what was going on and tried to save the girls-
From being set up and framed and even James May be
In the picture – Jimmy Nailed him on the way to meeting Stacy.
Stacy Dashed away soon as she realised her mistake she
Cut a path through Jodie’s Marsh and made her way to Bill’s Gates.


No reply. Stacy waited for a bit.
Usain Bolted the door and Tyson Gayve her the slip.
He went to meet the Wests, but no, it wasn’t any good
‘Cos Tim West-Woodn’t do what Vivienne West-Would.
The Police thought it was funny to see Justin Be-beirlligerent
When they accused him of something of which he was clearly innocent
And Justin swore on Jude’s Law that he had not been with a
Single suspect in the case when Alfred Hitch-cocked the trigger.

Alfred? Lord-a-Tenner’s on the table if he shot her!
He’s a law-abiding citizen, I think he’s Gerard’s Butler.
So when he got arrested, you can say that Gerard failed him
But the money was accepted quickly when Christian Baled him.
Miranda Sawyer hide the weapon deep in George’s Bush.
George Peppard the house with bullets: everybody shook.
Vanessa Feltz lucky but was killed in her escape.
Nicki Minajed to avoid a similarly sticky fate.

“Right!” said Fred, “We need to be getting away,
But Vanessa’s Red Grave seems to be in the way!”
And Steve’s Red Grave is Bloody; Mary nearly fainted
When she saw the blood and guts that Tom’s Gunn had just created.
Tom Hard(l)y got away with Richard (Pryor to the run)
And Gary’s Old Man took Jeremy Clark’s son.
He didn’t even notice that his son had been robbed
‘cos he was busy being promoted up to one of Steve’s Job’s.

And then they all had a drink, at Amy’s…


Click below to see footage of me performing this live at Jawdance. Crazy days…


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