Spoken Word: If Teachers Were Like Footballers

One from the archives here, but I thought I’d post it up in light of news that it was recently analysed by A Level students at my previous school. What an accolade.



(Oh, and if you want to get parsing, Rap Genius link here…)

If teachers were like footballers – can you imagine that?

I’d be standing here in a blazer with my name across the back.

There’d be children up and down the land with posters of me teaching


And they’d support the borough that I teach in,

So I suppose they’d support…


I’d be teaching in a stadium with 60,000 people,

You’d already know my name before I had a chance to meet you.

You’d have seen me in the paper; there’d be pictures of me smiling

As I put a little fucker in detention – on a Friday.

You’d want to get my autograph,

You’d whisper when you saw me.

You’d groan at my mistakes

And when I’m great, you would applaud me.

You’d queue to see my lessons and you’d pay to come and see me

And the ratings would be high whenever I was on the TV.

I could actually own a car

‘Cos I could actually afford it,

I’d be creaming off the cash from all my lucrative endorsements,

Like  – BIC: ‘For when you REALLY need to tick’.

Take a picture –click!-

Hand on hip,

Billboard sized pic.

Picture Mr Boakye (me)

And the paparazzi

Taking pictures of me leaving Parent’s Evening after dark in

A designer tweed jacket

With designer dark glasses,

Trying hard to hide behind a shiny new designer mark-book…

And every single test would be a national event

And all my fans would scream out “Yes!” whenever I devised a question

That my pupils couldn’t guess –

-And the pundits would suggest

That “He’s really at his best, when he’s facing a bit of pressure.”

Yes sir.

And I’d have a tacky mansion

At the teachers’ World Cup, I’d proudly sing the national anthem

I’d listen to the government; teach for anyone who bought me

And I’d never go to poorer schools who could never afford me.

I’d go and teach with Toby Young.

I’d teach at an academy.

I’d whore myself to private schools;

It wouldn’t even sadden me…

But teachers, aren’t like footballers.

So let’s reject that fantasy.

My triumphs and disasters,

Do not come with swollen salaries.

And if they did?

It wouldn’t actually really even matter be…

…cause teachers aren’t like footballers.

And that’s the way it has to be.

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