Top 10: Things That Insult Your Intelligence

Top 10: Things That Insult Your Intelligence

1. The News

Now I’m as interested in current affairs as the next boring bastard but I have to object to the artificial package of sensationalism that is the capital N News. I can cope with the selective, sometimes subjective nature of the news product (they can’t tell us everything), but I have to raise an eyebrow at the almost fictional narrative that news providers create. Am I thick? Am I really supposed to believe that world events fall neatly into Big Event, Missing Person, Political Upheaval, Human Interest, Funny Local? They might as well just make it up. Also, from the urgent percussive heartbeat of the theme music to the ‘situation for dummies’ graphics, the whole thing is aiming squarely at someone with the intellectual powers of a five year-old, or an actual five year-old.

2. Cheryl Cole’s career

The only single thing that gets me through the annual tabloid marathon of shit that is X-Factor (apart from Dermot’s handkerchiefs) is the depressingly earnest manner in which Cheryl Cole/Tweedy/Cole negotiates the rise of fall of each year’s crop of karaoke hopefuls. I find it fascinating, even though I shouldn’t be watching in the first place. She takes it all so seriously. The thing is, the poor bint has to take it all uber-seriously because her whole persona is born of the exact same reality TV nonsense. Admittedly, there is a sense of poetic equilibrium to her career, but no, I refuse to take her seriously as a pundit, critic, singstar expert, or even celeb. She’s not. She’s one fifth of the band that lost out to One True Voice. I’m not fooled.

3. Stories

This one’s difficult, because stories are so fundamental to the human experience. But they are, and you have to agree, fairly insulting to the average intelligent mind. Not in their aims or execution, but in the far-too-tidy manner in which they unfold and are resolved. In reality, narratives don’t start and end neatly. They don’t really start and end at all – we just put the demarcations in. But from childhood onwards we are coached to believe that all stories begin with a situation, enter complication, move towards a climax and end with resolution. Life just doesn’t work that way and to think otherwise is to be seriously deluded.

4. Work

As if we ALL need to work ALL the time to keep this excellent (sarcasm) economic system of ours going. There’s enough stuff on this planet for all 6 billion of us to share equally and we have the technology to have most of our needs met with little difficulty. Why then do we spend so much time and energy slaving away during the majority of our waking hours, just to feed ourselves, clothe ourselves and buy stuff we don’t need? The world of work renders every last one of us a certified grade A mug.

5. The Lottery

The chances of selecting six numbers selected at random out of 50 by a machine with the name of a knight of the Round Table is about 14 million to one. 14 million to one. Let me repeat that. 14 million. To one. That means that you are more likely to get struck lightning than to get six numbers on the lottery. And who was the last unfortunate bastard you know who got struck by lightning? Exactly. The National Lottery claims ‘It Could Be You’. Really? Don’t talk bollocks. It can’t and it won’t be you, or me, or anyone else you know. Ever. In fact, I’m fairly certain that all these supposed lottery winners are faked by the lottery people just to encourage poor people to keep on parting with their pound coin in the vain hope of getting some free cashish.

6 ‘Healthy’ McDonald’s

Are we honestly supposed to believe that McDonald’s is supposed to be some kind of paragon of healthy eating with individually named cows grazing on the hills of Sussex and farmers hand plucking potatoes that their buxom wives then go on to slice into organically cut French Fries? Because that’s what their adverts would have us believe – as if we’re stoopid or something. Dear McDonald’s: we KNOW you’re an evil international conglomerate which thrives off slave labour and dirt cheap produce filled with sugar/salt and peddled at hugely inflated prices. It’s ok, we can handle it. And when we’re drunk/ starving/ accompanied by 6 year-olds we’re happy to put down money to buy your overpriced plastic food. Just don’t pretend you’re giving us our five a day in a Big Mac, alright?

7. 3D TV

Colour TV, of course,  video, yep. DVD, a natural progression, Blu-Ray, you’re pushing it 3D TV? What? Just ask us for money. No-one needs to sit at home with some bloody weird specs on to enjoy the rare delights of Gardener’s World in three whole dimensions, and no-one is fooled. Rich dads beware – you will be looking at dead technology within the decade, with silly specs on.

 

8. Fair class representation in UK politics

Am I supposed to believe that the people who end up in the seat of power just happen to all be public school educated and/ or from what I believe to be the landed gentry? Because I don’t. Your average sample of UK politicians looks suspiciously like a roll-call of Old Boys from some society of Masons or something. I hate to get all political on you but we all know that The Rich Shall Inherit The Earth. It’d be naïve to assume otherwise, and insulting when the powers-that-be try to throw proletariat credentials at voters. Even left wing socialist heroes like ‘Red’ Ken Livingstone have never had a proper job. We’re not fooled.

9. Porn

Sex does not, has not and will not ever look like what pornography suggests it does. I’m not talking about the amateur hour user-content variety you might find knocking about on the information superhighway, but rather the high-res glossy variety. No-one approaches sex like that, people don’t look like that, and girls aren’t that willing to have bodily fluids cover themselves like that. I feel sorry for the generation of teenage boys who have been raised on an unhealthy diet of net-porn. Their expectations are all confused and they must actually believe that there is some kind of correlation between porn and actual sex. The rest of us, thankfully, can look on and frown. (Is my girlfriend still reading? Have I gotten myself out of trouble yet?)

 

10. God

An omniscient, omnipotent being responsible for all creation who watches and judges our every action and awaits our arrival after death? Yeah ok. It’s like Father Christmas for grown-ups.

-Unseen Flirtations

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11 thoughts on “Top 10: Things That Insult Your Intelligence

  1. A few objections I’m afraid… which is fare, I usually agree with you.
    1. I don’t think it’s fair to call Cheryl Cole a ‘bint’ as it’s a standard derogatory term for women… there was no mention of Huw Stevens as being a ‘dick’ for providing us with fake news.

    2. Stories – the postmodern text deals with this problem doesn’t it? Cormac McCarthy’s The Road and Blood Meridian and No Country for Old Men are all good examples of not providing a ‘story’ in the sense that you have presented it here.

    3. Lottery… even though it’s highly unlikely at 14 million to one, it still could be you someday. Don’t start spurious conspiracy theories about the winners being faked, you’re more intelligent than that 😉
    Though you may see this idea as a conspiracy theory too, thinking about winning the lottery makes people happier than winning it. There’s an element of truth in that. If inflation is rising, VAT is rising and jobs are falling, then dreaming of a better life is often all that some people have – especially when they are being ruled by a privileged few who claim to be ‘middle’ class when they’re already worth the millions that most of us can only ever dream of.

    4. Work is good if it’s sensible and measured. You are referring here to the Presbyterian work ethic. It comes from a Protestant belief that you have to sacrifice enjoyment to be accepted by God in heaven. Work can provide a sense of worth and achievement. It’s just that our society’s obsession with profit at the cost of true satisfaction (as it is supposed to be achieved through material satisfaction) and worth. But you essentially said this without the religious history.

    I do, however, agree with you on Pornography – though not that your other half would be annoyed with you for what you say as she will no doubt agree with you too. Young boys need educating about real sex. I don’t think we provide them with that real education because Britian is generally prudish and contradictory regarding their relationship with sex. I have talked informally during form time with some of the boys in my class about the realities of sex – whether that be the problem with porn, or why an insistence of women remaining virgins is unfair and unrealistic – but they’re not getting any real teaching on the matter (because parents claim that it’s their right to provide their children with sex education – this actually makes me want to laugh out loud!). Girls also need educating on about porn. Too many of them are influenced by it, or not angry enough about it. They are all too willing to get rid of any natural body hair as young men who are familiar with porn are apparently repulsed by it. They are probably also all too willing to do what porn suggests they should. The equality that women fought for over the past two centuries is being eroded by porn and the soft porn of hip hop videos and it MUST stop. Clair Short MP makes an argument that if the law can make a correlation between child pornography and paedophilia, then they should also be able to make a correlation between adult pornography (which often display women as objects and childlike figures) and rape. Though unfortunately, rape charges are on the decline since the 70s in the face of the increased disrespect towards women in our media.

    I won’t even start explaining why I agree with you on God… I’ll just say ‘hear hear!’

    • What you say about the lottery is very true… I’ve got through some of my darkest days dreaming about/ detailing./ listing what I’d do with a £10m lotto win…

      I’ll publically retract calling our Cheryl a “bint”. I actually think she seems quite lovely.

    • Number 2: I’d like to say I’m a bit of a feminist, so maybe the word bint should offend me, but she is a derogatory woman. She is pretending to be famous when she is just a useless woman with no talent. She’s giving us women a bad name.

  2. Like this post. Mostly the GOD one, I think he is the biggest insult. How do people still believe in him?
    Jessie.

  3. Uhhh I don’t know what the hell you are talking about… some girls are pretty kinky. I’ve had more than one politely ask me (with no prompting whatsoever) for me to cum on their face and let’s be honest here, that’s not even that kinky. I’m guessing you’re a girl? Maybe an ugly or awkward guy? If so, I’m sorry you haven’t found that dirty little slut that makes your fantasies come true.

    As far as the rest of the article… I find almost the near entirety of television (save precious few programs) to be insulting to my intelligence. Not sure why TV as a whole isn’t number 1. Guaranteed, it’s got to be the biggest offender for most.

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