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Unseen Flirtations

Form. Language. Imagery. Tone. Rhythm. Subject matter.

A sober breakdown of what to expect when an Ofsted inspection is announced at your school. With pictures of Homer Simpson for the sake of levity. Enjoy.

Stage 1: Denial

Out of nowhere, the call will arrive. News will filter through the school like so much playground gossip until an official notification is made by management. Ofsted are coming. Unless your school has been subject to an inspection in recent years, I would imagine that most Heads are poised for the call. That said, whilst the shock of the unexpected is felt by all, many if not most will assert a casual indifference. Thus, this initial period will be relatively calm as nerves only begin to bristle, and the reality of the situation is yet to become palpable. Note: some will immediately capitulate into a wide-eyed panic, but these individuals will be dismissed as over-reactors by the determinedly nonchalant majority.

Look out for: Nervous laughter, resigned shrugs of shoulders, conspiracy theories

Stage 2: Acceptance

Within 24 hours of notification, staff will be rounded up and given ‘the talk’. Ofsted are coming, they are real, they are looking for X, we must do Y and Z, etc, etc. At this point, a Head may iterate (and reiterate) the Ofsted focuses, for two main reasons: a) because it’s quite a useful means of focussing an as yet indifferent staff body, and b) because it suggests a level of control over the situation that a Head actually does not have. By the end of this stage, everyone will be in acceptance of the fact that Ofsted are indeed coming to scrutinise, pry, check and assess.

Look out for: cynical, political discussions, rolling eyes, grim nods, even more nervous laughter

Stage 3: Bewilderment

The level of bewilderment that follows Acceptance depends largely upon how ropey your department is. Conversations will bubble with talk of how many periods of teaching may be in the crosshairs, how many books have not been marked, the precise location of various sets of coursework, how many unplanned lessons need to be planned, and so on. Slowly, the enormity of the task ahead will dawn, as staff realise that they have to not only get through their usual week of teaching, but somehow produce evidence of excellent practice in every aspect of their professional lives. Conversations will also begin to resemble support groups.

Look out for: high-level empathy, some tears among fragile members of staff, piles of exercise books appearing on desks, lesson plan proformas on every computer screen

Stage 4: Panic

The first evening ahead of the inspection will be an evening of panic. The school will remain open late, nobody will leave, photocopiers will be in perpetual use. Staff will start rifling through ‘observation lessons’ of the past in the hope of finding something that can be rehashed into an Ofsted ready lesson and departments will gamely attempt to share ‘good’ lessons within their ranks. Even the most consistent teachers will begin to second-guess themselves and think in circles as they attempt to compile/ create  a string of outstanding lessons during the course of one evening. SLT will be in crisis meetings, futilely attempting to fabricate some measure of control over the situation. Emails will come from said SLT re-iterating what has already been iterated. Rooms will be tidied.

Look out for: aimless photocopying, hours’ worth of cutting out for starter resources (that take 5 mins to use), blank stares into static computer monitors

Stage 5: Excitement

They are here. Whispered rumours of who has been ‘seen’ will ripple through the school and doors will be watched during every lessons. Adrenaline levels are high, so sleep-deprived staff will be wide-eyed and alert. Energetic lessons will be taught. Some staff will take their tension out on kids, resulting in strangely angry confrontations over very little at all. By lunchtime on that first day, a handful of teachers will have been seen and their relief will act as a catalyst for further tension in as yet unseen staff. Teachers who received a sly thumbs up by an inspector will regale colleagues with the anecdote, triumphant and elated at their success. The disappointment of not having been seen during your excellent lesson will be tempered by genuine relief.

Rumours about ‘incidents’ and initial impressions will flicker into life. Bold, brashy teachers will announce that the school is ‘going to fail’, while nervous teachers will… sit and be nervous. All the while, the general atmosphere is one of backstage on opening night of a theatrical performance, which, to some degree, an Oftsed inspection is.

Look out for: twitches at turned door handles, excited anecdotes, manic grins, strangely well-behaved children.

Stage 6: Fear

Relief over the completion of day one will very quickly transform into fear – a genuine, tangible fear of what is to come. Unseen teachers will realise that they will be seen. The school’s shortcomings will surface. SLT will start informing departments of their duties. Implied expectations will become explicit. Pressure will mount, and be exerted mercilessly on to individual teachers. The adrenaline of day one will dissipate, leaving in its place a weary anxiety, but lessons still need to be planned, resources made and ‘evidence’ produced. The second late night will have the bleak atmosphere of a condemnation. The morning of Inspection Day 2 will resemble a surreal Twilight Zone of abnormality, with teachers working outside of their usual habits and awareness of the real world having almost diminished to nil.

Look out for: lack-lustre attempts at ‘gallow’s humour’, actual physical illness, teachers sitting in isolation

Stage 7: Resignation (for teachers) and Absolute Panic (for SLT)

Over-worked, exhausted teachers will have lost all sense of perspective. Over-planned lessons will be printed and stacked defiantly in classrooms. The traces of fear may linger, but a resignation of fate will be apparent. Lessons will go ahead almost as normal and the fear that characterised Stage 6 will dissipate with each passing period.

Meanwhile, SLT will embrace Absolute Panic. The brutal fact of their lack of control will hit home as Ofsted inspectors wander into classrooms at random, defying any schedules or itineraries that may have been implied earlier (see Stage 2). Members of SLT carrying out dual observations will look on in hope at lessons they can do nothing to control, while teachers make or break at the ‘chalk-face’.

Look out for: wild-eyed madmen/ women

Stage 8: Relief

It’s over. The inspectors have come and gone, leaving in their wake a body of staff acutely aware of their own natures. You have seen your Head at his or her most vulnerable. The resolve of your peers can be measured. Individuals and departments who have been rated ‘Outstanding’ are heralded as heroes, whilst the ‘Unsatisfactory’ are already the subject of hushed conversations of woe. Either way, what’s done is done and what’s done cannot be undone. Everyone is relieved and, because, you have all worked about as hard as you can, you are willing to accept whatever the outcome may be.

Look out for: kind words from management, piles and piles of unread lesson plans, everywhere.

Stage 9: Recovery

Will take 3 to 5 days.

Look out for: DVD lessons, trips to the pub, extended periods of inactivity, reflective blog posts on the nature of recent Ofsted inspections.

-Unseen Flirtations

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I’ll let it speak for itself. And, if you haven’t already, don’t forget to download BRIDGES for similarly introspective ramblings. It’s excellent.

-Unseen Flirtations

Hello - I’ll keep it quick.

Today was spent shooting footage for my first ever music video with the good people of Let Them Talk Productions. Was an exciting day of white balances, rushes, ECUs, and other terms that I am unfamiliar with.

The unedited footage is looking amazing, and we shot lots of it, so watch this space for what will undoubtedly be a music video highlight of 2012. I’ll share a single frame from the shoot below:

Watch this space…

-Unseen

Welcome to the final FIRST BREAK preview…

I won’t lie – the current situation for teachers is fairly dire. What with Michael Gove’s bullying of classroom teachers, the dismantling of local authorities, pursuing of a free market and attack on pay, we’re in trouble. I’ve made a few songs about Mr Gove himself that I’m sure you’ve heard, bitching about all of this.

‘Glass Ceiling’ is something of an antidote to all this. This is a bittersweet elegy forward slash anthem for every PGCE student and aspiring teacher who is desperate to get into the very situation that I can be so casually pessimistic about. It summarises pretty much everything I currently feel about my profession and the future of teaching in the UK, so handle with care.

The intro and outro is a recording by motivational speaker Action Jackson extoling the virtues of ordinary classroom teachers. The instrumental is ‘Made in America’ by Kanye West and JAY-Z. The vocals are me. The lyrics are below. Enjoy.

-Unseen Flirtations

INTRO – Action Jackson speaks 

VERSE 1

Uh – I really feel I’ve reached my ceiling,

but all these PGCE students dreaming of maybe being

In the very situation I find myself in achieving

the thing that I am complaining about’s their reason for being.

I’m seeing the situation more clearly than ever seen

I’m a teacher and I stay teachin’ I’m really living the dream

And I mean it – -

There’s 22 year-olds who want to be in

the middle of all this Chaos like Sonic getting some rings

And I’m on it.

I’m living ambition it’s my reality, actually, I have planned to be where,

I am exactly here,

With nothing handed me, yeah,

I’m at the top of the mountain and I’ve been clambering here,

But now I’m here what I fear,

Is that the top is just the bottom of another bigger ladder and it’s cold at the summit and so I shudder, it’s weird

I’m not complacent but jaded it’s fairly blatant meanwhile,

A generation of mes – are waiting patiently here.

CHORUS

Keep that fire…

Keep that spark…

Teach them children…

Reach that class..

.The ceiling you’re seeing is weakened glass, so

Smash that

Crack that

Smash that

Crack that

(x2)

BRIDGE

They want to be in the position that I claim to be

They want to be as busy as a bee in April’ll be

They want to be the teachers in the posters making the difference in the classroom I see it in all their faces, see?

(x2)

VERSE 2

I see them watching and waiting and thinking they could be

Doing what I do – teaching students so gracefully.

Slaloming through busy weeks I am a dangerously

Attractive advertisement for a job that can be craziliy

Crazy and crazy may be the only accurate cate-gory –

Category for the peopl’who want to trade with me,

But I don’t blame them ‘cos teaching really is great and we

Really should not complain about little things such as pay but we…

Do.

While you.

New teachers.

Come through.

And you—

Might have to pay, 9k for the privilege so can I just say…

Do.

While you.

New teachers.

Come through.

And you—

Might have to pay, 9k for the privilege so can I just say…

CHORUS

OUTRO – Action Jackson

coming soon (ish)

Let’s make this clear: Michael Gove is a monster. I said it in public and I’m putting it in writing.

The following song is an anthem of my disapproval. Teachers: listen carefully to the terrifying intro, wince, and sing along to the chorus:

All the best! (and keep an eye out for FIRST BREAK, coming soon and all that)

-Unseen Flirtations

Top 10: Things Currently Alarming Real Teachers Everywhere

Michael Gove is a MONSTER

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Finally!

Live footage of my now legendary performance at Jawdance, a spoken word poetry night at Rich Mix, London. Great crowd, three poems, lots of prattle, and a board pen thrown directly into some lady’s face (off camera).

1) Sex Talk

2) Celebrity Heist

3) If Teachers Were Like Footballers (cut short)

Enjoy…

-Unseen Flirtations

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Almost as we speak, I am putting together a new selection of tracks for my forthcoming mixtape, entitled FIRST BREAK. Now, if you’ve been paying any attention at all, you’ll know that I have a penchant for hip hop and the audacity to pick up a mic from time to time. But that said, even I must admit that it’s slightly odd for a full time teacher to be devoting so much of his time to shouting loud about how great he is, over instrumentals.

Obviously, my forays into hip hop are, on a biographical note, nothing new. I’ve been listening to hip hop since pre-adolescence, writing rhymes since before then, making music since the 00s and DJing since before then. But it wasn’t until this year that I decided to allow this less than advertised aspect of my life, in full, to shake hands with my professional career, via the now infamous OFSTED mixtape.

The OFSTED mixtape: A slightly hesitant collection of songs I began recording last year linked by the theme of teaching. Since leaking it at school, I now seem to have something of a persona as ‘that teacher who raps’ which, despite having been true since before I even became a teacher, strikes me as odd. I have suddenly become a living embodiment of what is known on Twitter as #hiphoped, something which has got me to thinking…

I won’t lie; I was absolutely terrified about allowing my kids to hear me rap. Despite all the confidence and bravado your average teacher and MC have to exude, I was scared of their reactions, wary of ridicule and anxious for approval. See, the thing is, hip hop has no room for reticence – you have to let it all show. So by making these songs about my life and teaching I was fully exposing myself to all listeners, something which it takes a brave fool to do. An intrinsic part of hip hop is the challenge aspect, by which every action is not only a showcase of skill but also a universal challenge. And if you fall short, that’s not only your reputation, but your entire persona, in tatters.

Thankfully, my persona remains intact and the reaction to OFSTED has been positive, for two main reasons. 1) it was quite good (I think) and 2) it was real. Any teacher will tell you that kids are obsessed with things being ‘real’ or ‘fake’. Be it brands, youtube videos, anecdotes or whatever. And beyond this, they respond best to things that have a real world context and adults who are real to them. Bullshitting does not travel far with kids – they can smell it, and the bullshitter instantly loses all credibility. Now, hip hop is, if nothing else, 100% real. It has to be, or its energy just doesn’t work. So when the kids at my school heard me rapping about a classroom being like a ‘hurt locker’, saying that I get paid ‘a half-arsed fee’ and calling Michael Gove a ‘mother-f**king Monster’, they accepted it. Even if they didn’t like the songs, they felt  and respected them. I could tell from the conversations that surrounded the release of the mixtape. Quiet affirmations, compliments and a lot of downloading. Again, I think this has as much to do with the content of the songs as the fact that I made them from the heart. They weren’t ‘fake’ and the kids accepted them on real terms.

Now, the one thing that all teachers want is to enthuse their students and encourage them to share our passions. Really, I spend good Life Energy during lessons doing exactly this, getting kids fired up. What is amazing is how effortlessly this happed with my #hiphoped endeavours. Even before I had played anything to anyone and simply told some of my tutor groups about the songs, I had a handful of kids excitedly hopping from foot to foot (well, almost) asking me to ‘spit’ and offering collaboration ideas. Part of it must, of course, have been morbid curiosity, but there was/ is a genuine excitement surrounding hip hop that I am now running with. Hence FIRST BREAK. I’ve had genuine and exciting conversations with students I have never met before, and students I thought I knew well have revealed themselves to be MCs, producers and music fans, giving us a common ground. It sounds cheesy (well it is cheesy) but the cross-generational appeal of hip hop is actually putting me as a teacher on an equal footing with the kids I teach.

In all of this I’ve realised that I haven’t actually done anything new in allowing my hiphopic (new word! – call me a neologist) diversions into the forefront. I’ve simply allowed my professional life and my actual life to relax into one another. Something that came out of a recent UK #hiphoped Twitter chat was the fact that every teacher has a bit of hip hop in them. We improvise, freestyle, swagger, get a crowd hyped, pour our souls out, teach, preach and control a crowd. Maybe, in light of this, it’s no accident that the MC in me has fallen into the classroom whilst the teacher in me fell into the recording booth – they’re actually one and the same person.

-Unseen Flirtations

UK #hiphoped holds a Twitter conversation every Wednesday at 8.00pm GMT. Follow @rapclassroom for more details.

And if you haven’t already, download the OFSTED mixtape by clicking here.

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Hello there.

It’s taken me far too long to post this up. A live performance of my poem ‘If Teachers Were Like Footballers’ at Remedy Raw, a spoken word event at the Ben Oakley Gallery in Greenwich. An artist friend of mine, Rowan Newton, runs the night and invited me to feature. Was a slightly strange old affair – I was first up and pretty much had to warm up the crowd. But, I did what I did.

Click to watch below:

For a more musical rendition of the poem download the now infamous OFSTED mixtape, here:

And also, watch this space for more live performance vids and the upcoming FIRST BREAK mixtape, which is frankly going to be ridiculous. A sneak peak below:

All the best,

-Unseen Flirtations

Related post: If Teachers Were Like Footballers – Lyrics

1.Happy half term!

2. Apologies if you’re not a teacher

3. It’s arrived!

Last year I started putting together a few cover versions of current hip hop hits, featuring none other than myself on vocals, rapping about all things teaching. The product is The OFSTED mixtape. Momentous, I know. See/ click below to listen.

Click here to download the OFSTED mixtape

And as a little taster, here’s a link to Stay Teachin’, on youtube:

and here’s a link to the freewheeling celebration of Me that is ‘Teaching Otis’.

Track listing:

Teaching Otis (Otis remix – Kanye West/ JAY-Z)

On With the Lesson (On to the Next One remix – JAY-Z)

If Teachers Were Like Footballers (Uptown remix – Drake)

Michael Gove is a Monster (Monster remix – Kanye West)

Money Love Teaching (Crew Love remix – Drake)

The Hurt Locker (Light Up remix – Drake)

Who is that? (Who Dat remix – J. Cole)

Stay Teachin’ (Stay Schemin remix – Rick Ross)

Sex Talk (a true story) (The Motto remix – Drake)

Enjoy!

-Unseen Flirtations (aka ‘Sir’)

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A rundown of 10 things that are currently putting worry lines into the brows of Real Teachers everywhere. Feel free to frown – it’s grim.

1. Welcome to the Free Market

Quick history lesson. Under the New Labour academies of old, money was thrown at failing schools in a bid to raise attainment. Skip ahead a few years and enter the Coalition with its very own academies initiative, under which outstanding schools are targeted and short-term financial incentives offered to encourage conversion. With the government seeking to ultimately convert all schools, the entire education sector is suddenly looking to become private – each school operating independently.

Teachers, start sweating. If every school operates independently, the very idea of a good local school for every child becomes secondary to the particular aims and ideals of each particular school. Deciding where to work suddenly becomes an exercise in personal politics and if your personal ideals don’t quite correspond with those of your chosen place of work, you may just find your career hanging in the balance. Oh dear.

2. The Production Line

An automatic consequence of this aggressive pursuing of a free market is that the education sector will become subject to market forces. Supply, demand, profit, loss, product, retail, marketing, wholesale: all that good stuff that most teachers physically recoil from. The problem is that schools and teachers don’t actually ‘produce’ anything, do we? Start sweating… In a free market, our ‘product’ is the children in our care, or more specifically the GCSE results we can encourage/ cajole/ drag out of them aged 16.

Michael Gove argues that every child, irrespective of background, should be expected to achieve equally, an ideal which could be dangerously naïve. A brutal truth is that certain socio-economic groups have a better relationship with formal education than others and, in a free market, those kids are preferable because they get the best results. So schools court those families, the post-code apartheid flourishes, and teachers of failing kids become labelled as failing teachers. Welcome to the jungle.

3. Goodbye, Goodwill

Put down that cup of coffee for a second – it gets worse. The local authority model of education actively protected teacher’s pay and conditions, with clearly defined limits and guidelines on issues such as working hours, pay-scales, holiday, maternity arrangements and so on. Get rid of local authorities, get rid of that protection. Your entire working life as a teacher becomes contingent upon the whim and goodwill of your employer. And unfortunately…

4. …We Are Expensive

Yes Real Teachers, I hate to say it, but in these austere times, teachers are drawing increasingly askance looks from policy-makers intent upon finding ways of saving a pound or two. Michael Gove has made it very clear that teachers can and should be doing more, by which he means spending more time at school of an average day, working longer terms during the year and delaying retirement until, well, death.

The result? Heads are being actively encouraged to get more out of already stretched teachers. As stated above, good luck on relying upon goodwill to protect conditions in what is already a seriously demanding profession.

5. Nobody Likes You

For all the talk of how demanding the job actually is, a lot of people will never accept that teaching is anything other than cushy: holiday after holiday, a ‘gold-plated’ pension, six weeks in the summer and a working day that finishes before Countdown begins.

This general belief that teachers have it good is worrying in as far as it undermines the very real grievances we may have against unfair policy changes. Worse still, wider problems are being ignored. 1) Everyone deserves a fair pension – why make it a race to the bottom? 2) The Teachers’ Pension Scheme has been paid into by teachers, not the taxpayer at large – if the government needs to reduce the deficit, why not start with the £28 billion or so worth of unpaid corporation tax? 3) Yes, parents would find it convenient for teachers to have shorter holidays (as Michael Gove has suggested), but why is it that childcare costs in the UK are among the most expensive in the world? Alas, without a starting point of empathy, it is unlikely that our rights (or sanity) will be even considered, let alone protected.

6. Hard Targets

Knock knock? Who’s there? Good teacher? Good teacher who? Good teacher who hasn’t hit their targets.

Not very funny, is it? Despite the fact that much of what happens at school is qualitative (the quality of teaching and well-being of children for starters), there is an assumption that the quality of education and teaching can be defined in strictly quantitative terms. Since the onset of league tables, schools have been bound by targets and results, with pressure on Heads to boost the numbers filtering directly down to classroom teachers and, in turn, children.

This is unfair. Results obsession can turn a good teacher with an underachieving class into a ‘failing’ teacher, when the focus should be upon engagement, creativity and effort. Politicians may call for more engaging lessons, but have they considered how much of a risk that is for teachers who are ultimately tied to cold, hard statistics?

7. The New Broom

Michael Gove recently stated that “more and more of the young teachers coming into the profession do so because they are idealistic” and that “they want to work as long as it takes to help children succeed”.  Ok… The implication here is that older, more experienced teachers (probably including anyone two years or more out of their NQT year) are jaded cynics who are too lazy to “go the extra mile”.

If you have common sense, an opinion and anything less than blind compliance for new policy, consider yourself a Dinosaur. And god help you if you miss a few targets – all it takes is one term and the Head can label you as failing before politely asking you to get lost. It all adds up and believe you me…

8. …you are VERY replaceable

I would not for one moment suggest that teachers should expect a job for life. Standards need to be high and poor teachers must be brought to task. What concerns me is the utter disregard for experience and commitment that seems to characterise current educational policy.

The government proposes that classroom teachers should stay in in the job until 68. In the unlikely event of septuagenarian teachers being physically unable to survive a five-period day of haranguing 21st century teenagers, the alternative will have to be a conveyor belt of wide-eyed young graduates, worked to within an inch of their lives and replaced at regular three-yearly intervals. Because, I assure you, if conditions worsen, they couldn’t stay in the job even if they wanted to.

9. Degrees of Separation

For reasons that will not become fully clear for at least a decade (the time period Mr Gove has outlined for the fruits of his policies to emerge), the TDA is now awarding teacher training bursaries based on degree classification. £20,000 for a First in Physics, Maths, Chemistry or Modern Foreign Languages, £15,000 for a 2:1, £12,000 for a 2:2, et cetera. (With my First in English Lit, I would have got £6,000, but I didn’t have to pay £9,000 to do the PGCE in the first place).

The logical outcome of this strangely elitist move is a kind of results hierarchy whereby academically successful teachers will be scouted by the ‘best’ schools whilst everybody else ends up elsewhere. The worst part of all this is that there is no direct link between one’s degree classification and one’s skill as a teacher, the job being so much more than having subject knowledge (as anyone who saw Jamie’s Dream School can attest). Also ‘good’ schools (probably populated by a certain demographic of child) will end up being populated by a certain type of teacher. It’s a dystopia in the making and it’s starting now.

10. The Blame Game

Ultimately, all any Real Teacher such as myself wants is to be able to point at someone and say ‘I told you so’, but I honestly don’t know who I’ll be pointing at. By dismantling state education and formally establishing a free market, the government is ensuring zero accountability – a shrewd and cynical move. It will be individual academies, the Heads who run them and the teachers who work at them who are accountable for unmet targets and falling standards, whilst central government can sit back, purse its lips and raise its hands in innocence.

Or maybe I’m just becoming a cynical old Dinosaur… Let’s hope so. With another 39 years of teaching to get through I’d quite like to be proven wrong.

-Unseen Flirtations

For a soundtrack to this piece, click below to hear the famous ‘Michael Gove is a Monster’ Kanye West remix (contains swearing)

Michael Gove is a Monster

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